feelings.

Sometimes i feel. i don't like how feelings feel so i try not to do it often. But sometimes these feelings, i don't want to feel, slap me in the face & say fuck you. i try to laugh it off & try not to notice the giant red handprint on my face that the feelings left behind. it seems feelings can't come without leaving a mark, whether it be a red mark on your face or a hole in your heart or even something of little significance that only you can see & feel. this feeling. These feelings i have i can never put into words. i listen to anis talk & i love how he does it. The words flowing out of his mouth like siliva does in mine & i can't bear the thought of putting siliva into words. So tell me how one love the feeling he has enough to write them down so beautifully & eloquently & express them in gratitude to the world. it makes me feel uncomfortable like sitting in a classroom naked but i like the thought of it all & i like the way it feels even though i don't like the way it almost feels even though i don't like the feeling. My real question to you & to any body who so chooses to answer is how does one learn to feel & express the feelings. But don't tell me the answer even though i asked you the question. Because i don't want to know because then i will have no excuse to not feel & my life would be understood & if it's understood what then what is my purpose? So i say to you.. don't you dare tell me how to feel or how to know myself. Don't you dare tell me what to say or do. Because it is not up to you, nor God, if there is one, or anyone else. So stop. Take a breath & walk away from this as a changed person before I stop breathing & don't want to start again.

all I need.

ramen noodles, sprite, & saltines. I know it doesn't cure me but my mom always gives it to me when I am sick, every time without fail, & I somehow always believe it will fix everything. all because she tells me it will but really all I need is her.

goals are better accomplished.

i did it! i accomplished my goal.. it was almost a year in the making now but well worth the wait & setup. i went to this thing & this boy was there. (specific details not included) now this boy is very hard to explain & would need a whole post just for you to try to understand my feelings & thoughts towards him but here's the base of it all: i don't like this boy, this boy is a flirty player & i can't stand him, but i want him to like me.. if that doesn't make sense just ignore it.. i don't know maybe it's a girl thing or maybe it's just an awkward madeline thing.. who knows. anyways you need to know that this boy is quite the tool, but a little bit adorable at the same time.. (i mean yes he is a very cute kid & he has a few qualities & characteristics that i like but other than that.. i'm sorry) now to refresh your memory my goal was to make said boy like me & have a crush on me from a far. (but mainly for him to know that i exist & that he can't have me.. i know it sounds cold but it really isn't all that mean.. i pinky promise.) & i'll have you all know that this goal was accomplished through multiple shopping trips & the sheer desire to be desirable. i heard from multiple sources that said boy was looking at me all night! (which was nice to know since i snuck a few peeks at him myself because, like i said, he is a cute boy! but it was only about 4 times which is way less then his number so i've been told.) really in the end i did all of this & wrote all of this for a boy whom i don't like, but a little bit do, though still not at all, all this for a boy whom i just want to like me.

welcome to the mind of dear ole' madeline luse. good luck to any who try to figure it out.

this is dedicated to her.

you  know that moment when you realize your sister isn't a little high schooler anymore? maybe you haven't experienced it before but i've been having these moments more & more frequently & it's scary, no, it's terrifying. but i cannot help but love it all at the same time. because i feel like when she grows i grow a little with her. it is a cycle that i hope will always continue. i think about her & i try to find words to describe her but i can't find any that even have the potential of describing her along with the grace & beauty that she contains.

her name is Emily Frances Luse.


sincerely,
the younger sister whose neck gets sore from always looking up to her sister, 
madeline louise

successfully bearded.

Luke, Owen, & Andrew Wilson. examples of successful bearded & lovely. well done Wilson parents.

please just stop.

Dear Person(s),

This one goes out to the person & or people who have, for the past two to three months, been filling my locker with anything religious you can find. thank you for the lds pamphlets, the typed up paper with the reasons why how i am living my life currently is wrong, your testimony on a folded up piece of grid paper, & last but not least the mormon tabernacle choir CD with the sticky note on top that read 'see, we are good at everything'. but i don't want any of these. honestly, it is a bit of a waste since all of it goes in the garbage anyways (except for the CD that one i was a little more creative with. that one you could probably ask the seminary teachers for since i taped it to the door with a sweet little message for you.). 

moral: please leave my poor locker alone. because i am a little tired of having lds this & lds that molest me every time i open my locker.

sincerely & seriously,

madeline louise

my boy (checklist).

My Boy (checklist)--

1. tall
     a. taller than me. i am 5'5"
2. big hands
      a. so when we hold hands his are significantly bigger than mine
     b. like base players hands
3. (i adore) brown hair
     a. ideally i picture it to be curly 
     b. all long as there is some wave to it
     c. it has to be good enough to play with
4. toms
     a. needs to own at least one pair of toms
5. will take me to outdoor concerts
     a. twilight concert series, concerts in the park, etc.
6. outdoorsy
     a. hikes
     b. picnics
     c. listening to music on a blanket (outside)
     d. just lay around & read books
7. LOVES adventure 
     a. ad-ven-ture (n.) an unusual & exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.
8. great taste in music
     a. see number 5. 
     b. don't want to go to a lovely outdoor concert full of bad music. 
9. has to be strongly passionate about at least one thing.
     a. have one thing that he is so passionate about it hurts.
     b. passion is super adorable.
10. has the ability to grow facial hair
     a. whether it be scruff, a mustache, or a full on beard.



p.s. i love it when a guy i barely know fufills a lot of these.