the day vs me.

   today i was confronted by a boy with a ring he received from seminary. and before i had time to process anything he gives me the ring as he says, "My friends told me you should have this." and he walks away rather rapidly. i am pretty sure it was to avoid confrontation with me but let me tell you i didnt know what to think after i was given this ring with the word trust on it and a verse from the bible. now looking back on the situation i know that if i was thinking right, which i was glad i wasnt, i would of hit him in the face. but all i could see was red then all i could feel was my face heating but and my eyes beginning to water. but i was NOT about to let myself cry especially not in front of people but i mean lets face it, that is all i wanted to do. 
   all of my emotions hit me at once. first i was so confused then i was full of blinding anger. but then i felt like i just needed someone to cry on and realized that i didnt know where to go to at that point. in that split second i had all these names running through my head but i didnt want any of them to see me cry that just isnt who i am, i dont like to show my weakness. and it made me wonder if i am really that afraid to let people see my emotions and know what i have been through or if i just need to put myself out there so people know all that there is to know about me.. i feel a little confused and deranged at the moment and just cant really focus on anything except feeling like i need to be doing something. i need to find something or somebody so i have someone to talk to when i just need a friend. and i feel like i have those people but what if it doesnt work and they dont accept who i am. 
   but i also feel as though me and long lasting friendships dont work. i had one for a while and it was perfect, well it had its flaws but what friendship doesnt. but then i blew up in my face and i had to start again from nothing. and i just need to find some ground or something solid to pull myself back up with and maybe just maybe i can feel like i am at ease and at peace and at home because i want that feeling back.. 


CALM, HAPPY, READY,
madeline louise


p.s. sorry for the dr. phil blog post.