feelings.

Sometimes i feel. i don't like how feelings feel so i try not to do it often. But sometimes these feelings, i don't want to feel, slap me in the face & say fuck you. i try to laugh it off & try not to notice the giant red handprint on my face that the feelings left behind. it seems feelings can't come without leaving a mark, whether it be a red mark on your face or a hole in your heart or even something of little significance that only you can see & feel. this feeling. These feelings i have i can never put into words. i listen to anis talk & i love how he does it. The words flowing out of his mouth like siliva does in mine & i can't bear the thought of putting siliva into words. So tell me how one love the feeling he has enough to write them down so beautifully & eloquently & express them in gratitude to the world. it makes me feel uncomfortable like sitting in a classroom naked but i like the thought of it all & i like the way it feels even though i don't like the way it almost feels even though i don't like the feeling. My real question to you & to any body who so chooses to answer is how does one learn to feel & express the feelings. But don't tell me the answer even though i asked you the question. Because i don't want to know because then i will have no excuse to not feel & my life would be understood & if it's understood what then what is my purpose? So i say to you.. don't you dare tell me how to feel or how to know myself. Don't you dare tell me what to say or do. Because it is not up to you, nor God, if there is one, or anyone else. So stop. Take a breath & walk away from this as a changed person before I stop breathing & don't want to start again.

all I need.

ramen noodles, sprite, & saltines. I know it doesn't cure me but my mom always gives it to me when I am sick, every time without fail, & I somehow always believe it will fix everything. all because she tells me it will but really all I need is her.