goals are better accomplished.

i did it! i accomplished my goal.. it was almost a year in the making now but well worth the wait & setup. i went to this thing & this boy was there. (specific details not included) now this boy is very hard to explain & would need a whole post just for you to try to understand my feelings & thoughts towards him but here's the base of it all: i don't like this boy, this boy is a flirty player & i can't stand him, but i want him to like me.. if that doesn't make sense just ignore it.. i don't know maybe it's a girl thing or maybe it's just an awkward madeline thing.. who knows. anyways you need to know that this boy is quite the tool, but a little bit adorable at the same time.. (i mean yes he is a very cute kid & he has a few qualities & characteristics that i like but other than that.. i'm sorry) now to refresh your memory my goal was to make said boy like me & have a crush on me from a far. (but mainly for him to know that i exist & that he can't have me.. i know it sounds cold but it really isn't all that mean.. i pinky promise.) & i'll have you all know that this goal was accomplished through multiple shopping trips & the sheer desire to be desirable. i heard from multiple sources that said boy was looking at me all night! (which was nice to know since i snuck a few peeks at him myself because, like i said, he is a cute boy! but it was only about 4 times which is way less then his number so i've been told.) really in the end i did all of this & wrote all of this for a boy whom i don't like, but a little bit do, though still not at all, all this for a boy whom i just want to like me.

welcome to the mind of dear ole' madeline luse. good luck to any who try to figure it out.

this is dedicated to her.

you  know that moment when you realize your sister isn't a little high schooler anymore? maybe you haven't experienced it before but i've been having these moments more & more frequently & it's scary, no, it's terrifying. but i cannot help but love it all at the same time. because i feel like when she grows i grow a little with her. it is a cycle that i hope will always continue. i think about her & i try to find words to describe her but i can't find any that even have the potential of describing her along with the grace & beauty that she contains.

her name is Emily Frances Luse.


sincerely,
the younger sister whose neck gets sore from always looking up to her sister, 
madeline louise

successfully bearded.

Luke, Owen, & Andrew Wilson. examples of successful bearded & lovely. well done Wilson parents.

please just stop.

Dear Person(s),

This one goes out to the person & or people who have, for the past two to three months, been filling my locker with anything religious you can find. thank you for the lds pamphlets, the typed up paper with the reasons why how i am living my life currently is wrong, your testimony on a folded up piece of grid paper, & last but not least the mormon tabernacle choir CD with the sticky note on top that read 'see, we are good at everything'. but i don't want any of these. honestly, it is a bit of a waste since all of it goes in the garbage anyways (except for the CD that one i was a little more creative with. that one you could probably ask the seminary teachers for since i taped it to the door with a sweet little message for you.). 

moral: please leave my poor locker alone. because i am a little tired of having lds this & lds that molest me every time i open my locker.

sincerely & seriously,

madeline louise

my boy (checklist).

My Boy (checklist)--

1. tall
     a. taller than me. i am 5'5"
2. big hands
      a. so when we hold hands his are significantly bigger than mine
     b. like base players hands
3. (i adore) brown hair
     a. ideally i picture it to be curly 
     b. all long as there is some wave to it
     c. it has to be good enough to play with
4. toms
     a. needs to own at least one pair of toms
5. will take me to outdoor concerts
     a. twilight concert series, concerts in the park, etc.
6. outdoorsy
     a. hikes
     b. picnics
     c. listening to music on a blanket (outside)
     d. just lay around & read books
7. LOVES adventure 
     a. ad-ven-ture (n.) an unusual & exciting, typically hazardous, experience or activity.
8. great taste in music
     a. see number 5. 
     b. don't want to go to a lovely outdoor concert full of bad music. 
9. has to be strongly passionate about at least one thing.
     a. have one thing that he is so passionate about it hurts.
     b. passion is super adorable.
10. has the ability to grow facial hair
     a. whether it be scruff, a mustache, or a full on beard.



p.s. i love it when a guy i barely know fufills a lot of these.

Jesus is like a mother lion?

i went to church twice today. does that make me super holy? wait can i cash in my holiness for prize?

we shared words.

we spoke words to each other today. this may seem like such a small simple gesture but it really made me smile and i feel as though now we are making progress towards our falling in love and of course that is very exciting news.
the words he spoke to me, "i like your shoes." in this quiet cute gentle voice. when i could finally choke out my words i just said a kind, "thank you".
and that was the end.
and that is all we needed.

his name is (insert name here)

i have to write a little bit about this boy i know. he is a cool boy. he went to my highschool and he was one of the cool boys at my school. i was always a little upset with him during the school year due to the fact that i just assumed he was a little bit of an ass maybe but i was so wrong. he is sweet and the nicest boy. so before i finish writing this i would like to apologize to him and his sweet self for judging a book by it's cover. so i don't, in elementary school terms, like like him but i would definitely enjoy getting to know said boy. he interests me; like the dynamic of mr. cool. i would like to hang out with him and talk for a while.  

Dallin McKade Bacon-- October 24, 1997- June 12, 2012

        this morning i woke ready to pack and go camping with my family. but when i woke up i checked my facebook, because we live in a society where technology is everything and we have to know everything that is happening even if we don't care, and the first thing i see is an obituary article posted by a dear friend of mine. i was petrified to look at the name but my eyes forced themselves to look.. i didn't like what i saw. it was the obituary for a boy, my friend, i went to school with. he was a grade younger than me, he was hysterical, he could make anyone laugh anytime of day it was certainly a talent. he was also one of THE smartest kids i have ever known. he was brilliant he finished his freshman year with a perfect report card,a 4.0, amazing.
        all this lead me to ask, why? why did he die? i don't know why. and i'm sure i never will even after someone tells me, because he did not deserve to die. he had so much to live for. he was so so smart and funny and sweet and the nicest politest boy. qualities this world needs. there is no way to come up with any reason he should of left. his family (mom, dad, two brothers, and sister)need him more than anyone. he was a twin to his brother, he needs him. i can't even fathom a reason to why whoever or what ever took him away. 


   Rest in peace Dallin. you will be missed by so many and by me.

Q & A ses. enjoy.

Questions and Answers about me (madeline louise teresa luse:


1. 10 random facts about yourself.

1. i am a vegetarian.
2. i live in Utah but my heart live in Missouri
3. i haven't kissed anyone.
4. i really like flowers.
5. i have a Captain Rex (from Star Wars: Clone Wars) alarm clock on my bookshelf because he and it are cool.
6. i love Dr. Who and hope that one day he comes and take me on an adventure.
7. i cannot send a text message if something is spelled wrong.
8. i love going to get coffee with people i like.
9. i have a best friend. it is my sister, Emily, and i couldn't ask for a better one.
10. i have my permit but i don't want to drive.

2. What is your favorite book? and why?

• The Perks of Being a Wallflower. because i can relate to Charlie on many levels and i really enjoy the characters and story.

3. What do you know to be true?

• Nothing. that is what makes this world such a mystery.

4. How do you de-stress?

• i wish i could say i had some deep mind altering way of de-stressing but i don't. i do, however, like to just go to the pool and submerge myself for a bit. it really clears my mind.  but sometimes i end up punching a wall.

5. What event had the most impact on your life? and why?

• it's a reoccurring event really. whenever someone dies it really takes it's toll on me. it cause me to go into this the -world-is-your-oyster-well-until-you-die type of phase. it makes me think and do weird meaningful things.

6. What color makes you happy?

• chaos. get it? like the song, color my life with the chaos of trouble. no? okay well i like green too.

7. biggest fear.

• being abandoned and alone.

8. What do you do more, hair up or down?

• i try to do an equal amount of both so i dont't make my hair feel bad if it noticed i had a favorite. 

                        

                   Questions answered?

                           good.

sincerely, 

madeline louise

p.s. if you have questions for me that i did not answer, ask them to me and i will.. probably.

and your name shall be...

if i had a cat i would name it Bowie. (like david bowie? you may ask. no.)
if i had a rabbit i would name it Squirrel. (even though it's not a squirrel at all. HA.)
if i had a pug i would name it Assface. (get it.. because his face is dumb and flat? whatever.. it's funny.)
if i had a bird i would name it Lawrence. (classy.. like a bird.)
if i had a lizard i would name it Lord Reptile. (the Reptile God seemed disrespectful? eh.)
if i had a lama i would name it The Doctor. (like Dr. Who.. the greatest show i've ever seen with my eyes.)
if i had a robot i would name it Iron Giant. (well duh.)
if i had a sloth i would name it Gregory. (Is that okay, [my] Emily?)
if i had a hedgehog i would name it Pony Boy. (after my favorite [fictional] boy.)
if i had an otter i would name it Arwen. (Lord of the Rings.. obviously.)
if i had a tiger i would name it Charlie. (The Perks of Being a Wallflower. my favorite book.. isn't it everyones?)

my acquaintances.

this goes out to the sandwich artist i know.
this goes out to the white boy with the Mexican swag.
this goes out to the girl that i just met that is quite frankly the coolest.
this goes out to the metro with the great facial hair i recently befriended.
this goes out to the cute boy with the soft hair.
and finally this goes out to the tall skinny fragile boy whom i've come to adore.


thank you for being my friends.
also kudos to you for keeping me this long.


sincerely,
madeline louise

someday.

someday i will leave here. (here-adv: In, at, or to this place or position.) i am not sure when yet but it will be soon. maybe not tomorrow or the next day but maybe next week or over the summer or when i die or when even i least expect it. but you will know when i am about to depart. yes, you will know. but you will not know that you cannot stop me. please, also, do not try to stop me. nothing will hold me back and nothing will tie me down i have no restrictions. (restrictions-noun: The limitation or control of someone or something, the state of being limited or restricted) none. not even you.


sincerely but not for always,
madeline louise

somewhere.

i want to go somewhere where it doesn't matter that i know that i can make my hurting go away; somewhere i won't be tempted to use my knowledge. 

sincerely,

madeline louise.

madeline's death experience

madeline's death experience

symptoms:

• rash
• sore body
• tiredness
• headache
• cramps
• (constant) bathroom breaks

DAY ONE:

i woke up this morning (approximately 2 a.m.) with cramps and a very large headache. i went to the bathroom. i was there for a while; i ended up just sleeping in there (when i could sleep in between my many a bathroom breaks). i have put together a hypothesis on what. i believe, is going to happen over the course of this illness.

STAGES:

1. rashes will appear

2. when using the bathroom i will begin to lose everything in my system (including stomach content, vital organs, etc.)

3. my sore body will be the result of my  body (slowly) withering away.

4. i will become nothing more than an empty skin suit. like something you see in a syfy dr.who-stargate type show.

1-4. during this whole process i will have head-aches that will eat away at my brain.

i have prepared myself for this journey mentally and physically. 

may the lord have mercy on me,

madeline louise

simple words.

speak these words to me? 

boys. boys. boys. this is for you.

This is about boys. How some are stupid and some are wonderful. But some are so stupid they become wonderful. Or the ones who are the dumb but you want them to love you just so you can say no because they have obviously never been rejected by anyone. and then there are the boys who just leave you pondering. Pondering about life, and love, and your view on things/ everything. The boys who make you grin. This post is to all the magic boys who have the power to make one love him at any given moment; to the ones who can smile and just melt your heart...

This is to the boys with beards.

to be flawed.

for the past five years i have believed myself to be flawed. flawed in ways, at first, i could not find but as i grew older and more observant, i found them hiding and lurking waiting for the perfect time to strike me down. until last year they were doing well at hiding, but last year my flaws attacked me both emotionally and physically. but now i am coming to terms with my flaws and realizing that those were only my flaws because people tortured me until i myself believed they were my flaws. But now i know they are just what makes me different than everyone else here and knowing that i am different keeps me going. 
1. i swear
2. i was raised up under a different mind set
3. i am not afraid to speak my mind
and last but certainly not least 5. i am NOT scared of the real world
Sometimes knowing this about myself scares me and makes me do things that i regret the next day or eventually regret or sometimes do things that are helpful but i want to teach myself that just because one has a different set of rules and beliefs that does not mean they are an outcast to their friends, peers, or their loved ones even if they think you are wrong.


DON'T BE AFRAID TO TEACH YOURSELF,
madeline louise

I am scared.

I am scared. 
I am not scared of death
I am not scared of being robbed
I am not scared of being taken 
I am not scared of what i have yet to find
and I am not scared to fall. 
but I am scared.
I am scared of myself. 
look in my eyes and through my heart and don't be afraid to see what I see.
open your eyes see what I see and feel what I feel. 
feel the pain on my wrists 
and the stinging of my eyes
and the tiredness of my soul. 
then think to yourself.. 
what are you scared of?

SINCERELY,
madeline louise

words..? no.

i wish this post i am about to give you had more meaning but today i have no words for you or myself. it has been a pretty wordless and off day for me. But please do enjoy the little i just gave you.

Sincerely,

well.. me